Shame is based in the past
“Consciousness is the first step towards change.” Sheila Griffith
Shame: “A painful feeling of humiliation or distress, caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” (1)
Dr Joseph Burgo, psychotherapist describes shame as coming from 4 different sources in our lives:
Unrequited love
Exclusion
Unwanted exposure
Disappointed expectation
Shame spiral’s often have these components:
It is usually based in the past and has unconsciousness around it.
After one of the events from above, we become “meaning-making machines” and fear what others think more than what actually happened.
The perception or story that we have made up in our heads, may or may not be based in REALITY or really true.
Emotional self-criticism as we evaluate what has happened.
Who is to blame for the pain you feel.
Can be short-lived or last years or decades.
Is enmeshed in who we think we are and how we live up to others expectations of us, our own expectations.
It can be confused for feelings of guilt.
Perfectionists tend to take responsibility for others or situations that are not ours.
One of the most important aspects of understanding social shame comes from John Braithwaite who explains how we penalize others by shaming them in as their whole being has “wronged.” This is called Disintegrative Shaming, and socially marginalizes people as well as stigmatizing them, and is really condemning of that person in society. Reintegrative shaming shows a person or population’s disapproval, but it includes expressions of forgiveness and gives the perpetrator the feeling that this is not a permanent consequence or punishment.
HEALING SHAME
#1. The first and most important aspect of healing shame is to give voice to what has happened for the person feeling the shame. What is hidden cannot heal. This means to find someone who is safe, resourced, capable of holding space for you and willing - ask permission first before you unload, vent or defuse - to be able to speak about the shame that you have been holding in.
#2. Do you have ruminating thoughts? Shame is often based in rumination. Breathe deep in your belly and see if that can help your nerve synapses start to run new and healthy pathways.
Saint Francis of Assisi Prayer: “Where there is darkness, let me bring light.”
#3. You can also journal and/or burn the pages if you do not have someone to speak with right now. Connect to your feelings, write it out and release some of the pent up energy. This will give you perspective and let your nervous system reintegrate to the peaceful, loving, divine person that you were born as. Integrate the gift in the moment for healing to begin. You deserve love, self-respect and self-affirming thoughts.
“Shame has lessons to teach us. If we can listen and if we can bear it." Joseph Burgo, Ph.D
Sheila Griffith, CMT, CPI, NTP, FPTC
References:
Shame Definition: Google Dictionary; https://www.google.com/search?q=shame+definition
Joseph Burgo: https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/shame
Disintegrative ve reintegrative shame: https://soztheo.de/theories-of-crime/sanctioning/reintegrative-shaming-braithwaite/?lang=en
Healing Shame https://www.drwaynedyer.com/blog/let-us-bring-light/
A fantastic resource: https://healingshame.com/
